Dissection 101
by Emi-chan
Summary: Sick fic. Made while under the influence of smelly dead stuff I had to disect.
1. Kill the dragon....

Dissection 101: Professor Xelloss Metallium and assistant Emi-chan   
  
  
  
  
*both are levitating in the air like Xelloss normally does*  
  
Xel: Yare Yare. We have a student today.   
  
Emi: Oh no. So we aren't going to do the fun things we do everyday?  
  
Xel: No we just have someone else here to join in the fun.   
  
Emi: Goodie!  
  
Xel: Anyway, this is Dissection 101. First lesson. Preping subject matter. For today's lesson we have already prepared the dissection matter. *looks down at the giant golden dragon below him* Oi, Filia-chan. How are you doing down there? *muffeled sounds come from the tied and gagged dragon* Glad not to hear it.  
  
Emi: For any dissecting, you need the right matterials to cut and tear any obstructions in your way. *Filia sweatdrops at this*  
  
Xel: That's right Emi! But a dragon's hide is pretty tough stuff. What do you recommend we use.   
  
Emi: *holds up chainsaw* Why nothing else but the very expensive chainsaw my father just bought. *She turns it on and Filia starts to strugle as much as possible, and hitting you in the process. Unfortunately, you are unconsious now and won't be studing anymore today...*  
  



	2. Gourry's mysterious brain

Dissection 102: Professor Xelloss Metallium and assistant Emi-chan  
  
Xel: Yare Yare! We have another student Emi-chan.   
  
Emi-chan: Does that mean we get to dissect something today?   
  
Xel: Why of course! But something not so big this time.  
  
Emi-chan: And something not so damaging. *remebers the broken arm she got form trying to keep the dragon restrained.... Unfortunately she got free and excaped*  
  
Xel: So I've decided that today we will find out whether or not Gourry has Jellyfish for brains!  
  
(Gourry appears in front of them)  
  
Gourry: What?  
  
Emi-chan: Don't worry Gourry, this won't hurt a bit.  
  
Gourry: What won't hurt.  
  
(Xelloss tugs on his hair and the top of his head pops off)  
  
Xel: Now Emi, do you have the equipment ready?  
  
Emi-chan: *has fishing pole and tackle box in hand* Yessir!   
  
(Xelloss baits the pole then casts it into the empty space that is Gourry's head. Twenty minutes later there is a tug on the line)  
  
Xel: Emi!! Get the net!  
  
Emi-chan: Yessir!! (she gets the net as Xelloss manages to reel in the catch. Xelloss pulls the catch out of Gourry's head and Emi catches it in the net. They both look at it carefully)  
  
Emi: Interesting...  
  
Xel: Yes it seems Lina-chan has had it wrong the whole time. He doesn't have Jellyfish for brains, but has squid instead!  
  
(Gourry comes over and looks at the squid)  
  
Xel: Today we have observed the importance of science to correct misunderstandings in society about the workings of humans and other animals in our world.  
  
(Gourry picks up the squid and Emi yells at him to put it down)  
  
Xel: By the findings of dissecting our subject we have corrected a large, and a false belief among many people.  
  
(Emi yells at Gourry some more as he starts to eat it)  
  
Xel: We now know that Gourry has Squid for brains and,  
  
Emi-chan: Don't eat that!! It's your brain!  
  
Gourry: But I'm hungery! *munch chomp chomp*  
  
Xel: he is as big of an idiot with it as he is without it. Meet us next time for Dissection 103. 


	3. Lina and her appetite.

Xel: Yare Yare, Emi-chan. They keep coming back!   
  
  
Emi: You'd think they'd learn by now.   
  
Xel: Well if they want to risk their lives they can stay. Welcome to Dissection 103. I am professor  
Xelloss Metallium and this is my assistant Emi-chan.   
  
Emi: ^_^ Today our experiment is extra super dangerous.   
  
  
Xel: Yes, today we are going to find out where all that food lina eats goes. (Emi pulls a cord and a  
light turns on in the backround revealing a POed, tied , and gaged Lina Inverse straped down onn  
an examination table. The two walk back twords their victim.)   
  
Xel: You must be wondering, 'how in the hell did you catch Lina Inverse? she's dystroyed people  
10 times stronger than you.'   
  
Emi: Two reasons. 1. That time of the month. 2. I'm a fic author.   
  
Xel: And two very good reasons they are. ^_^v   
  
Emi: (ungags Lina) So how do you feel?   
  
Lina: Whooo... ooooo ..... where did that light cooome from.   
  
Xel: (playing with the IV coming out of her arm) What did you give her?   
  
Emi: Something to dull her senses. You could probably throw her off a three story building and  
she'd only feel a light thud.   
  
Xel: Good idea lets do it.   
  
Emi: Professor?   
  
Xel: What? oh wait.... YEAH! ummm (Emi gives him the evil eye) Okay. In order to find out where that food goes, and keep her alive because L-sama will have our @$$es staked and burnt to a crisp if we don't, we will be preforming something like exploratory surgery.   
  
Emi: Only we don't have Medical Degrees.   
  
Lina: Whaat?   
  
Emi: Look at the pretty light....   
  
Lina: OOoooooo.....   
  
Xel: That has to be some pretty hard drugging....   
  
  
*Five Minutes Later*   
  
  
(Xel and Emi are in their latex gloves and surgical aprons ready to slice and dice)   
  
Emi: (Xel has a preditor grin on his face) uh maybe I should cut.   
  
Xel: Only if you want.   
  
(Emi slices into Lina's abdomen then pulls back the skin. She continues this with the layers of fat, muscle, and cartalige; until she reaches the internal organs.)   
  
Xel: Why don't you just cut all the way through?   
  
Emi: Cause I could hurt something. If it makes you feel better, if you were on the table I'd just cut ya in half.   
  
Xel: ^_^   
  
(They search through the organs until all of them are moved to the side and they are looking at the front of Lina's spine. On the spine is a growth looking sort of like a yin/yang sign.)   
  
Emi: What the hell is that!   
  
Xel: Just as I thought.   
  
Emi: What?   
  
Xel: Sore wa Himitsu Desu!   
  
(one severe beating later and the appearance of many sharp pointed objects through Xel)   
  
Xel: That was nice ^_^   
  
Emi: Tell me what you know...... or else.....   
  
Xel: O.o...... It's a piece of shabrinigdo....   
  
Emi: Never thought it looked like that..   
  
Xel: and a piece of Ciephried.   
  
Emi: WHAT!   
  
Xel: Seems that Lina eats so much to fuel the battle between the two inside of her.   
  
Emi: Well that does explain things....   
  
Xel: Very much so.   
  
(They sew Lina up)   
  
Xel: So what do we do with her now?   
  
Emi: Send her to Gourry and hope that she doesn't hunt use down and kill us.   
  
Xel: Can't we just kill her?   
  
Emi: No, L-sama will burn us at the stake remember?   
  
Xel: ......... I guess....   
  
(they send the sewn up Dragon Spooker to the Squid brained fool. She survived and a few months later tracked the two down and dragon slaved them a few times)   
  
Emi: (charcoaled) that went over pretty well....   
  
Xel: I'd say she let us off easy.   
  
Emi: (pause in conversation) So when do we disect again?   
  
Xel: Whenever you feel like writing.   
  
Emi: Okay. Well we'll see you next time!   
  
Xel: To explore what is unknown and maybe some fun too.   
  
Emi&Xel: BYE!!! 


	4. candied Amelia

Dissection 104  
by:Emi-chan Metallium  
Warnings:: Violence and a small reference to lime/lemon  
Comment:: Slayers ain't mine. I don't like Amelia too much so don't blame me for not being nice to her. Now that I think about it I'm not nice to any of the chara's that go through this.  
  
NeWay.. Enjoy and if ya want to see someone put through this wringer, review (on Fanfiction.net) or email me (emi_metallium@yahoo.com) and tell me the person and what we're looking for. If I know the chara I'll do it (no DBZ please)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Xel: Yare yare, welcome back to Dissection once again.  
  
Emi: The one place where you can see what makes you most/least favorite characters tick.  
  
Xel: Emi.... Just how long has it been since we've disected anything.  
  
Emi: Probably over a year ^_^;;;;  
  
Xel: Why is that?  
  
Emi: Cause I've been imprisened at the evil place called (dum dum du~umm...) WALMART!!!  
  
Xel: Sounds like a place where I would rank high in the management.  
  
Emi: Probably. NEWAY!!!   
  
Xel: We've had a request!  
  
Emi: We like requests ^_^  
  
Xel: Now this one was a difficult one to obtain.  
  
Emi: Not because it's a powerful person,  
  
Xel: But because it's our natural enemy.  
  
Emi: Amelia Will Teslune... (pulls on a rope which turns on the lights in the backround. Straped to a metal table is a gagged Amelia)  
  
Xel: Do to her "happy/good" nature, it was rather hard getting ahold of her without getting sick.  
  
Emi: Hopefully we can keep her tied down better than a certain dragon we know of...  
  
Xel: it should, I stole the restraints from a reliable source.  
  
~~  
Elsewhere  
~~  
  
Heero: DUO!!! Hurry it up!!  
  
Duo: Just give me a minute, koi. I can't find my toy bag.  
  
~~  
Back at the lab/dungeon  
~~  
  
Xel: ^_^ (kicks a vibrating/buzzing duffel bag back behind a counter)  
  
Emi: Oi... that looks a lil familiar....  
  
Xel: Onto the dissection!!!  
  
Emi: (stops from trying to find the duffel bag) Today's expirement is to find out what makes the pink fruit loop so sugar happy.  
  
**They both start advancing on the tied up and gagged Amelia**  
  
Amelia: ....!... (trying to talk with no luck, and tears starting to well up in her eyes)  
  
Emi: How shall we open her up? (counts them off on her fingers) Rotery saw, laser, old rusty butcher's knife??  
  
Xel: hmmmmm....  
  
Amelia: !!!!!!!! (tears going everywhere anime style)  
  
Xel: Which is the most painful.... (taps his finger against his chin while trying to look like he's deep in thought)  
  
Emi: Well... if you want painful... why not try taking a large meat market fish hook and ripping her gut open?   
  
Xel: What a splendid idea!  
  
Amelia: ... (faints)  
  
Xel: You do it.  
  
Emi: I ain't gonna touch it. It'll burn my hand off if I do.  
  
Xel: Well I ain't gonna touch it, It'll probably kill me...  
  
**They both stand there trying to think up a different solution**  
  
Emi: I know! Let's put her into one of those high radiation X-ray machines.  
  
Xel: If nothing else she'll start glowing green. Let's give it a try!  
  
Emi: (kicks the table over near the machine while singing something about frogs)  
  
Xel: ^_^ (takes the controls to the machine and has the mechanical hand pick her up and drop her into a vat of radio active green glow)  
  
~~  
20 minutes later  
~~  
  
** Xel and Emi are looking at pictures of the now froggy princess **  
  
Emi: What's all that stuff inside her?  
  
Xel: Kinda looks like candy.... (turns the picture upside down to it's side and every which direction)  
  
Zelgadis: (leans in over Xel's shoulder) It's a pin'ata.  
  
Emi: *snickers* a pin'ata.  
  
Xel: *whistles* TIME TO BREAK THE PIN'ATA!!!!!  
  
** a huge group of kids run by with baseball bats **  
  
Zelgadis: (drinks his coffee)  
  
** the group runs by again but with armfuls of candy this time **  
  
Kid: Thanks for the candy mister!!  
  
Kid2: What a cool pin'ata!!  
  
** little bits of green float by after the kids disappear **  
  
Emi&Xel: **snicker** 


End file.
